Mary, Just Mary Chapter Eleven

Mary discovers the consequences of the choices she made...

Ow…my head…

Blinking, I tried to make sense of everything, but at that moment all I could remember was blur. I had a horrible headache, and terrible nausea.

What…what happened?

Wait…this isn’t my room!

Oh, my goodness! 
I was in a strange room, lying in a strange bed, still wearing my dress from the night before, all wrinkled and unkempt. I untangled myself from the blankets and discovered my shoes were missing. Sitting up quickly, I tried to gather my thoughts and I soon made a clear recollection…

Jake and I…we kissed…
But what else—

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

“Jake!” I called. My stomach sent up a wave of nausea to my throat from being disturbed from a more comfortable rest, but I was in too much of a panic to pay attention to either my stomach or my throbbing head. I ran into another room, and the familiarity of Jake’s living room told me I was still in his house. 

I had spent the night at his house?!
Oh, my goodness! 

“Jake!” I called again, almost in tears. I heard footsteps pound down the stairs, and Jake came rushing down toward me. He must have been in the middle of getting dressed because he wore only a undershirt and his slacks, with the belt not fully looped around his waist.

“Oh! What happened? Was I in…your bed? Oh! What did we do? Why did I drink so much?” I wailed.
“Calm down. Nothing happened, I swear. After…um…well…you were tired and wanted to sleep…and I let you stay in my bed. I have a guest bedroom upstairs.”
“Really?” I murmured.

“Really.”
“Oh, that’s a—“
I was about to say “that’s a relief,” until my stomach made violent flip-flops that made my tongue curl.
“Are you okay?” Jake asked.

 

“I feel sick!” I exclaimed, clamping my hands over my mouth.
“Bathroom. That way,” Jake said, pointing to a door at the end of the hallway. I rushed to it and just barely made it to the toilet before I vomited. The pains in my head and stomach were bad enough but the pain I felt in my heart was worse than anything I ever experienced. I couldn’t stay forever. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was going to be married in one week. My parents would never accept anything less. 

Trying to compose myself, I smoothed my hair and washed my face clean of all the makeup I wore. It wasn’t fair…what I was doing to Jake. He had been kind to me, cared about me when I felt so alone; put his own feelings on the line for me when I didn’t deserve it.

It wasn’t fair…

But I had to say goodbye. 
I’m a horrible person… 

I left the bathroom and went back into Jake’s living room. He was gone again, but I heard movement upstairs and figured he probably went back up to finish getting dressed. I stood by the door and found my shoes there. Slipping them on, I waited for him to return. I placed my hand over my face when his footfalls started tumbling down the stairs. Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at him. He stared back at me.

“Well?” he sighed.

He was wearing his uniform. “You have to work?” I asked, not wanting to do what I had to.
“In an hour.  I got up early to make sure you were still all right.”

“Thank you.”

 

“So what are you going to do?” he asked.

“I…I have to go back.”

“Did…did last night mean anything to you?”
“More than you know.”
“Then…why?”

“I don’t have a choice.” Jake scoffed when I said that and turned away. “Just listen!” I cried desperately. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen! I—I didn’t want to hurt you!”

“Well, for not wanting to hurt me you sure did a damn good job of it. You’ve hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. I’ve been going through Hell and back for you, and for what? So you can just go back to playing house with—with them?”
“You don’t understand—“
“You’re damn right I don’t understand. How can you live with yourself when you let other people run your life all the time?”
“Jake, you’re being mean,” I said pitifully.
“I’m being—ugh! I poured my heart out to you! Don’t you care about what you’re doing to me? Am I just a toy for you to play around with?”
“N-no.”

Jake let out a dry chuckle. “I should have known. I should have known you would be nothing but trouble. Were you just looking for the biggest sap in town to play games with, Mary? Because I think you found him.”
His words were cold but they spread the fire that was already burning in my stomach. My aching head throbbed and my tumbling emotions made me sick and angry and hurt and even…even a little happy…because I was still with Jake even though I wasn’t supposed to be—even though he seemed to no longer want me there.
His words from last night…
They brought an aching in my heart the likes of which I never felt before. I broke down in tears again.
“I…”
“If you’re just going to stand there and cry about everything, you might as well go back. Maybe you are the silly little girl they think you are.”

Something snapped when he said those words. I don’t know what came over me, I was just so angry and scared and deeply, deeply hurt…hurt because I thought I had lost the respect of the one person who ever really gave it to me.

And scared because I thought maybe…maybe he was right.
In one unseemly outburst, I slapped Jake across his face and stormed out of his house, slamming his front door as hard as I could. On my way down his porch steps I stumbled and fell to the ground, but I was too heavy-hearted to add pain to my recipe of emotions and I got back up and kept walking.

It was another sultry, beautiful day in Sharon but I couldn’t see any of it. The sun was in my eyes, and burning. The breeze was blowing, pulling at my skirt and my hair, and I wanted it to leave me alone. My eyes remained on the ground. A little blackbird sitting on a telephone pole started to squawk as I approached. I rubbed my temples and continued on. 
Ta-tweet! Pip! Pip! Pip!
“Oh, shut up!” I screamed up at the sky. The bird continued to protest my being there. 
Great. Nobody wants me around anymore. 

I crumpled to the side of the road like a piece of paper tossed aside. All I could think was why, why, why? Why did God bring Jake into my life when I could never have him? Why did I go to that church? Why did I look for him everywhere I went? Why did I have to be Mary Ellen Baker, soon to be Mrs. Albert Fickley? Why couldn’t I be someone else? Why did I have to be me? 

And who was that anyway?

Was I brave enough to find out?

Could I make that difficult decision like Nora?

 

HELMER: It's shocking. This is how you would neglect your most sacred duties.
NORA: What do you consider my most sacred duties?
HELMER: Do I need to tell you that? Are they not your duties to your husband and your children?
These duties seemed so right before…

NORA: I have other duties just as sacred.

HELMER: That you have not. What duties could those be?
NORA: Duties to myself.

HELMER: Before all else, you are a wife and a mother.

Will I be nothing more than that?
NORA: I don't believe that any longer. I believe that before all else I am a reasonable human being, just as you are—or, at all events, that I must try and become one. I know quite well, Torvald, that most people would think you right, and that views of that kind are to be found in books; but I can no longer content myself with what most people say, or with what is found in books. I must think over things for myself and get to understand them.

I heard a noise coming down the road behind me, and a bittersweet sight appeared when I turned; Jake had followed me in his truck. I stared at him as he approached. I wanted to cry again but I knew he wouldn’t coddle my tears any longer. I wanted to fall at his knees and beg him to forgive me—to save me.

Oh, Jake, tell me I don’t have to go.

Tell me I don’t have to marry a man I don’t love.

Tell me I don’t have to be someone’s doll.

Tell me I am a reasonable human being…

 But that wonderful thing did not happen.

“Mary, let me take you home,” he said.

 

He said nothing else to me on the way back to the strange white house that was not home. My heart was aching. I didn’t understand why he was so willing to part with me—to push me away. He didn’t love me anymore, I was sure of it. I had lost the one wonderful thing I had in this world before I had even received it. I closed my eyes as the truck came to a stop. I prayed.

Over! All over! Dear God, it can’t end like this! Please make him forgive me! Please do something so I don’t lose him forever…oh, Jake, will you never think of me again?

The passenger side door opened, and I looked up at his face for the last time. I climbed out of the truck and he turned away, walking back to the driver’s side door of his truck.

 

“Jake?” I whimpered. He kept walking. “Jake, please, say something.”
He stopped, but didn’t look back at me.
“What do you want me to say?”
I couldn’t answer his question, because I didn’t know if I was strong enough to decide. I didn’t know if I wanted him to tell me to leave Albert or not. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear him say he loved me or didn’t anymore. I didn’t even know if I wanted him to say he forgave me, or if I even deserved his forgiveness after everything I did. I stared at him, still and useless as he got back into his truck. It felt like my heart was ripped right out of my chest and dragged along the road behind Jake’s truck as it grew smaller and smaller and finally vanished from my sight. All my strength vanished along with it, and I sank to my knees and let out an agonized wail.

Mary, Just Mary Chapter Ten

Mary must face her true feelings, but can she accept them?

I make him laugh?

I sat awkwardly against the car and ran Jake’s words through my head over and over.

There’s nobody like her.

She makes me laugh.

I started crying. I couldn’t hide everything I was feeling any longer. I couldn’t paint on a smile and pretend the sun was always shining. Things had changed. I had turned into a completely different person and I had no idea how to change back, or even if I wanted to. My life had been beautiful once. But beautiful was no longer enough. It would never again be enough.

But Jake…

Jake would be enough.

I had to tell him how I felt. I had to hold my heart out in my hand. I had to tell him that I too thought there was nobody like him.

I have to tell him.

To tell him…

                                                                                                                                          

“Mary! Mary, where are you?” I heard Babs calling. I had completely forgotten about her, and everyone else, and the fact that I was still outside sitting in the dirt parking lot. And I also forgot the ring. The ring on my finger. The ring that always reminded me that love was a gift I would never receive. I didn’t have the strength nor the will to stand up, so I sat behind the car I had hidden myself behind and continued to cry.

What do I do?

It’s wrong...this is all wrong…

But why? Why is it wrong?

Why is this happening to me?

“Mary!”

Babs’s voice burst through the still night air. I looked up and saw her face nearing mine, and she put her hands on my shoulders. I heard other footsteps rush over.

“Mary, what happened?” Babs asked.

“Mary! You—how much did you hear? Did you—” Jake stammered.

I couldn’t answer either of them. Tears kept falling like big raindrops, but Jake figured out that I heard enough.

“John!” Jake exclaimed in a furious voice.

“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Just get out of here!”
“Jake, please, listen—“

“Leave us alone!”

“Boys…I think Mary needs to go home now,” Babs said gently.

“We can take her—“ John started.

“No…no…” I whimpered.

“What, baby?” Babs asked.

“I don’t want to go home.”

“You can’t stay here all night.”

“I want to go with Jake.”

Everyone was silent. Babs stood up and looked at Jake and John, who both looked like they didn’t know what else to say. After the long silence, Jake knelt down and helped me to my feet. He walked me over to his truck and helped me get in.

“I’ll be right back,” he said.

I leaned against the door of the truck, still feeling as though I was torn in two. Outside, I could hear muffled voices; Jake and John still talking to each other. Jake’s voice grew louder and louder, finally erupting into another furious yell, then falling silent. The driver’s door to the truck opened and Jake climbed in, slamming the door closed with such force it made the truck rock back and forth. Jake said nothing to me for a moment. The only sound from his mouth was an exhausted sigh.

“I’ll take you home,” he finally said.

“No! I don’t want to go home! I don’t want to go home!” I sobbed, clinging to Jake’s shirt and burying my face in his chest.

“Mary, you probably should—“

“I don’t want to go home!”

Jake became quiet again. I saw a look in his eyes that was very different from how they usually looked. His eyes, his once happy, sparkling eyes, looked tired and sad. I didn’t like how they looked.

Then, he smiled at me, but only half a smile.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to go home.”

I didn’t say anything else for the rest of the drive. Jake didn’t either. My mind was just too full to speak.

Could I really break things off with Albert…and be with Jake?

Would it really be as crazy as it sounds?

I must be losing my mind!

When we got to Jake’s house, I still felt very sick and exhausted. Jake helped me through the door and into his house. He set me down on his sofa and told me he would get me a drink of water. And I…

I still couldn’t think of what to say.

“Here, Mary, try to drink this if you can,” Jake said when he returned. I honestly didn’t want any more water, or anything in my stomach at all, but I took the glass and gently sipped the water. He sat down on the couch next to me.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I—I’m so sorry about what you heard John say at the bar. He—he was so out of line—“

“It’s all right. I’m sorry I made you scream at him.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“I didn’t mean to make you fight with such a close friend.”

“Really, it’s not your fault. And, well…it’s not the first time we’ve fought. We’ll manage to get over it. Just a bump in the road, that’s all.”

“It all seems so silly, what I’ve been thinking all this time,” I said with a giggle.

“What seems silly?”

“Well, when I first met John…and Becky, I thought that you…”

“Me…?”

“And—and her…”

Jake looked confused for a second, then understood what I meant.

“Me and…Becky?”

I nodded.

“Oh! Um…well…Becky is a lovely woman and all but…I—I could never do that to John. It would—it would just…kill him.”

“Besides…I…think I’m already taken…by someone else.”

My heart started to flutter.

“If…if she…if she wants me,” Jake murmured.

I took another nervous gulp of water and set the glass down on the coffee table.

What do I do?

Not knowing what to say, I said the first thing on my mind.

“John’s right, you know.”

“Right about what?”

“What he said at the bar—“ A single tear started rolling down my cheek.
“He didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“But he’s right. There’s nothing special about me.”

“And I don’t think he meant that either. It’s not true anyway. You…you’re very special.”

“Right, I’m very beautiful, I know.” I said bitterly. I turned away from Jake and pulled my knees up against my body, looking out the window. Jake’s hand lightly stroked my back. His touch was irresistible, and I leaned in closer to him, closer until I was all caught up in his arms wishing he would never let me go.

“You are very beautiful. But that’s not the only thing. You care about people, people that nobody else even thinks about. Like the Rubys. And…”

“I’m silly.”

Jake smiled. “Very silly sometimes. But is that really a bad thing?”

“Yes it is!” I cried out. Jake’s smile disappeared. Bulging tears rolled down my cheeks and I struggled with my words and my sobs. “Everything is so different now! My parents keep telling me ‘It’s time to grow up, Mary, grow up,’ but I feel like I’m turning into somebody else, somebody I don’t want to be! I mean…I want to stop being such an immature child and be a good wife like my parents want…but…I don’t know how to be a good wife.”

Jake pulled a handkerchief and gave it to me. I dabbed my eyes and he gently took my hand.

“I think you would be a great wife.”

I looked at Jake, realizing that the whole time I was talking, he was listening to me. Really listening. He leaned forward in his chair, looking into my eyes, holding on to my every word, not halfheartedly glancing at me out of the corner of his eye and murmuring, “Ah, I see,” like Albert would. What I said mattered to Jake. He took me seriously. That both delighted me and scared me to death.

And he was looking at me.

With that look.

I quickly pulled my hand away from his soft grasp and looked away from his soft eyes. I let things go too far. Much too far.

“What do you see happening between us?” Jake asked softly.

Startled, I jumped to my feet and turned towards the door.

“I should probably go home now,” I said.

“Should you?” Jake asked. He wouldn’t look at me.

“This…this isn’t right. I’m engaged.”

“If you want to leave, then go. I won’t stop you.”

“Jake…”

“Please, if you really want to go back to your fiancé and your money and your nice house just go now, because every second you’re with me is like torture.”

“I’m sorry. I have to go. I have to.”

Jake stood up and walked up to me. I hung my head, too ashamed to face him. “You shouldn’t have to do anything,” he said. “Think for yourself. What is it that you want?”

“I…I don’t know…”

“You have to decide, Mary! Your fiancé and Mrs. Fickley can tell you what to do, but the only person who has to live your life is you!”

A thick sob nearly strangled me, and I quickly got up and rushed out the nearest door I could find. I wound up on Jake’s front porch and I tried to convince myself to leave, to forget about everything that I said and that Jake said and the truth that was creeping up on me, threatening to destroy my long-nurtured dreams of perfection. Wiping my eyes, I looked up at the stars, remembering my beautiful childhood wishes, and realizing what a fantastic lie they all were. I heard the door creak softly, and the tender sound of Jake’s shoes rose above the calm night sky.

“Mary? I’m…I’m sorry that I upset you.”

“It’s all right. I’m fine.”

“I…I didn’t mean…well…I just…”

I turned to him, and he was looking down, rubbing the back of his head and shuffling his feet. I reached for his hand. We drew closer. My heart fluttered as he gently brushed my hair from my cheek. Closer still. Sinfully close. Heavenly close.

“Mary…” he whispered.

“Yes, Jake?”

"There's something I want to say to you. Something I've wanted to say since the day I saw you."

"Oh, Jake..."

“I love you, Mary Ellen.”

Then, something happened…

 

Something that was far beyond a first kiss.

The rest of the world just disappeared. There was no ring on my finger, no fiancé I was being unfaithful to, no screeching future mother-in-law, and no confusing and unreasonable rules of what a married woman needed to be. There was only Jake, the warmth of his embrace, the sound of his breath, his fingers gathering strands of my hair, and his lips that were sweeter than anything I could even imagine.

I suddenly had a new dream, and he was holding me in his arms.

Mary, Just Mary Chapter Nine

Mary falls...and keeps falling.

Need I say more?

“Oh, are you okay?” Jake asked, kneeling down next to me. Babs also got up and ran to my side.

“Ow…” I moaned. “Oh...oh—Jake…”
“I’ll get her some water,” Babs said.
“Here, why don’t you step outside for a second?” Jake said. He lifted me in his arms…

 Floating…

Though my body stopped spinning, my head was still twirling like mad. Jake carried me to the door, and set me down for a moment to open the door. I gently walked through it, and Jake picked me up again. The blaring music and smoky smell of the bar changed to the sound of crickets and warm, muggy, nighttime air. I clung to Jake tighter, the smell of his aftershave seemed to help clear my head.

“Anything hurt?” Jake asked.

“My wrist…a little,” I said. “Where are we?”

“Outside.”

“Am I drunk?”

“Maybe a little.” 
“Oh, I’m in so much trouble! My parents are gonna flip!”

 

“You’ll be fine. Don’t worry,” Jake said. He set me down on a wooden bench and gently took my hands. I blushed as he gently squeezed at my wrists. “Nothing feels broken. You’ll probably just have some bruises. I’m sorry, I should have told you not to twirl so fast.”

“It’s not your fault, I should have known better,” I moaned while rubbed my temples. “I wasn’t behaving like a lady should. Oh, that was so embarrassing! I can’t believe I tripped and fell like that in front of everyone!”
“Hey, it’s all right. You were just having fun. Most people will know that. The rest will just be too drunk to remember anyway. It’s definitely not the worst alcohol-induced fall anyone’s ever done. You should have seen me at John and Becky’s wedding reception…I fell against a table and knocked over the bowl of fruit punch, ended up with a white tuxedo with big red…splotches. Heh…I blame Simon for that…”

“Splotches.” I giggled. “On the bright side, I think red looks good on you!” I said, tugging at his red shirt.

“Oh, Mary…” Jake chuckled. His laugh made my heart flutter. I felt dizzy again and fell against him. “Ooh, easy there,” he said.

 

“Jake!” I heard a voice call. It was Babs.

“Over here,” Jake called, waving. Babs hurried over with a cup of water and a damp washcloth. She knelt down in front of me and helped me sit up.

“How is she?” she asked, dabbing at my face.

“Pretty out of it. Damn it, why did you give her so much?”

“Hey, it’s a rite of passage! Like learning to drive or having your first kiss! And besides, you were the one encouraging her to have fun, remember?” Babs handed me the cup. “Drink some of this, baby.”

“Okay,” I murmured. All of the energy I had only a few minutes beforehand was gone, and instead I had acquired a burning, unsettled stomach.

 

“Let me see if I can get Donnie to whip up something that will sober you up,” Babs said. She headed back into the bar.

“Do you feel sick?” Jake asked gently.

“A little,” I said.

“Stay here, Mary, I might have something in my truck,” Jake said. I nodded, and he leaned me against the bench and walked out into the parking lot. I watched him walk away, wondering if it was the drink or the moonlight or a little bit of both that made him look so amazing.

Or perhaps, it was simply that he was amazing.

 

The heavy door opened and closed again. For a second I thought it was Babs, but the footsteps that approached were almost silent.
“I can’t keep quiet anymore.”

I looked up. Becky stood above me with her arms crossed. The light from the moon lit up her face just enough to show the coldness in her eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” her voice was almost a whisper.

“What?” I asked.

Becky looked over towards where Jake had gone. Her eyes softened into something…very sad. “Jake is a good person. He doesn’t deserve this.”

“Deserve what?”

“You.”

I jumped to my feet in anger, and put my face just inches away from hers. “Just who do you think you—”

“You’re going to hurt him,” she murmured. 

Her words were like pins that seemed to pierce my chest. I stared at her, unable to talk or even breathe. “You’re going to break his heart,” she continued. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes again and I sank back into the old bench.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” I whimpered. “I really don’t.”
“Every time you come back to him…it gives him hope. You have a fiancé and a life that is that is a world away. Are you really going to promise Jake something he can never have?”

“You—you don’t understand!” I blurted out, jumping to my feet again. “I don’t leave home just to tease Jake! I—I leave because I…oh! You don’t know what it’s like! I’ve seen the way your husband looks at you. It’s…almost magical! You don’t know how it feels to be someone’s wind up doll! To have to look and act the way everyone else wants you to! To—to try to say something and not be listened to! To…”

“To be with someone…who doesn’t even…love you…the way he should.”

Becky looked away from me, looking as though she was about to start crying herself. Then I remembered what Jake said…

Becky’s first husband abused and tried to kill her.

I clasped my hands over my mouth.

 

“Oh, forgive me. That was…very insensitive…I…” Becky turned and started walking away.

"Wait!"
Becky stopped and looked back at me. I hung my head and squeezed my hands together. “The truth is…I want…that. I wish I had what you have. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of.” My voice fell silent, and Becky stayed quiet as well. The only noise was of the night sky, crickets, an owl hooting in the distance, the low, droning hum of music coming from inside the bar...

Then she spoke.
“Wishing and dreaming won’t give you what you want,” she said before walking away.

 

I stared at Becky as she walked back into the bar. I didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. I was going to hurt Jake. I was going to break his heart. As much as I didn’t want to, it was the truth. As much as I wanted to belong here, I didn’t. My family had their own expectations for me. They expected me to marry Albert and carry on a legacy that was no longer one I wanted to follow. They expected me to live a life that I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t want money. I didn’t want a nice house. I didn’t want to be showered with presents. I didn't want to be anyone's princess, kitten, or little skylark.

I wanted Jake.

Realizing I was still alone, I wondered where he had gone. I suddenly missed him terribly, as if I hadn’t seen him in years. I walked around the parking lot, still in a daze, but drifting in the cool night air I heard men’s voices. As I approached I heard the deep, soothing drawl of Jake’s voice. Crouching behind a car, I listened to him and John as they spoke. Jake leaned against an old fence and stared into the dark woods behind the bar while John lingered behind him.

“I told you already—“
“I know what you told me.”
“Becky put you up to this?”

“I respect her concerns, and I trust her judgment.”

“And what exactly is she concerned about?”

 

“You’re setting yourself up for some serious hurtin’. She’s getting married. To a tycoon with more money than either of us will ever see in our entire lives,” John said.
I knew right away John was talking about me.

Jake stared at his feet, saying nothing.

“I know she’s a nice girl,” John continued, “But there are a million others just like her that aren’t already—“

“No, there aren’t. There’s nobody like her.”

“What makes her so special, Jake?”

 

I was angry with John for a moment, but only until I realized there just wasn’t anything very special about me. I couldn’t paint like Becky, or speak my mind like Babs. And I certainly wasn’t as smart and courageous as Margie. The only thing I was really good at doing was what other people wanted me to do. Jake fell silent again, and I felt like crying. He couldn’t even think of something that was special about me. I didn’t want to hear him say I was beautiful. My father always says I’m beautiful. Albert always says I’m beautiful. They were the first ones to see that I had nothing inside me at all. I got up and started to walk away, tears stinging my eyes, until I heard Jake’s clear, certain answer.

 

 “She makes me laugh.”